Thursday, October 21, 2010

Oh no, not again!

"I have a letting go issue, I guess. Haha, still when you're in love, you'll find yourself doing the most unexpected things. I for instance, wrote this short poem"

Pananahimik ko'y ginulo
Mga pagbabagong di ko ginusto
Sa simula'y anong tamis
Lumalaon bakit tumatangis?

Pasasaan ba't doon din ang tungo
Ng tangang pagnanasang nadarama sa'yo
Katotohanang pilit kong kinukubli
na kailan ma'y di ka maitatangi


Kailan ko ba matatanggap
Ikaw at Ako'y di magaganap?
Ipaglaban man ang damdami'y walang silbi
'Pagkat sa huli, ako't ako pa rin ang sawi

Malamang sa sulyap at ngiti ko na lang idadaan
Pag-irog na sayo'y di ko man lang naturan
Sa huli'y unti unti ding matititigilan
ang puso kong pilit lumalaban (2008)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Reminiscing

/**I wrote this entry back in 2008. I just felt the need to share it.**/

I pretended to be the same old best friend he used to know, the Paul he used to share his dirty deeds with, the Paul he used to laugh with...cry with. He does not have the slightest idea of what he's doing to me, what he's making me...

But last night when we're there, I still feel the pain... seeing him crying dahil sa p***inang BF nya... ano bang laban ko?

(9 15 PM)

Nasa sa labas ako ng bahay ni M. I texted him to come out at samahan akong magyosi

(9 30 PM)

Ubos na yung 2 sticks ng yosi, M asked me to come in. I obliged. (Inuman kasi kami).

(9 45 PM)

Busy kami sa kakatext... then suddenly a familiar name appeared on my Inbox...FLASHBACK

11:15 A.M.

"I need you, Paul! ='("

"O bakit? what happened?"

"Nag away kami ni *toot*, may natuklasan ako sa kanya"

"Hey, don't let simple things ruin your relationship, bago lang kayo a... baka pwede pang mapag-usapan... teka ano nga bang natuklasan mo sa kanya?"

Then our rally of SMS continued without him telling me the reason why he's suddenly acting up... then he tried to call my phone pero nasa loob ako ng production floor and I can't answer the phone or else IR 'to. I thought it was not that serious, baka away mag-jowa lang.


(10 :25 PM)

"I'm here." (text niya sa 'kin)

I asked M, "Sige na M, kaw na lumabas..."

...then I saw his face again, he looked worse than the last time I saw him, his eyes swollen by tears and the way he spoke, I knew, he'd been drinking.



(11:06 P.M. - 4: 00 AM )

Our conversation was light and cheerful, we cracked jokes at each other, one way of expressing how we've missed these nights!

Then our limbs started to feel numb, our vision's hazy... his voice trembling, he began to tell the whole story.

Gusto nya ng kumalas sa BF nya.

Then I asked again, ano ba talagang nangyari.

"Tang'na, nakipag-DO siya kay George last night!... (sobbing)"

"WTF!"

Gusto ko syang batukan but at the same time I want to hug him tight to let him feel how much I care for him

"O anong nangyari pag katapos?"

"Sabi nya, lasing daw siya kaya nya nagawa yun. And he still want to save our relationship..."



"PUT** inang yan, o ano ginawa mo?"

"Ayun, nag- usap kami... ano sa tingin nyo, hihiwalayan ko ba?" At this point, I m starting to feel like winning the lottery. Yes, Hiwalayan mo na, para makapang ligaw na ko sayo! And I swear, I 'll prove to you that I'm the better choice!

" ...ang panget ko daw. Bisaya! Baduy!", stunned by his revelations I still listened, what hurt me most is:

"He's saying crap about you guys... na hindi daw nyo sya ka-level... na mukha kayong tindero sa palengke!... nagaway kami when he said that... I told him na ako na lang wag na yung mga friends ko... then he begged me not to leave him.. cause if i do, sasabihin nya sa Dad ko ung mga ginagawa namin.. at lagi nyang sinasabi na if ever na iiwan ko sya may 7 pang guys naghihintay sa kanya, nakareserba..." furious about what he's confessing, I remained to be civil and continued to listen...

"I 'm loathing his friends, kasi they're laughing at me. Hindi daw kami bagay. Good luck daw sa kin. Tapos, gustong gusto pa nyang nakikita na nagseselos ako sa mga ginagawa nya"

Nahihilo na ko. Ang lakas ko talaga tamaan pag San Mig Light. 2 bote pa lang bange na ko. I said in my most convincing-"friendly" tone... (I'm pretending that we're still best of friends after nag confess ako sa kanya na more than friends ang turing ko sa kanya)

"Hey, I m not saying that you break up with him, pero what he's doing, the things he's saying, it shows that he doesn't really love you. Yung sinasabi mong na it's his way to prove that you really love him whenever he sees you jealous, is bullshit. Admit it, it's his way of flattering himself. He's selfish and he doesn't deserve you. Ayokong dumating sa point na pupunta ka at mag-aaya ka na naman ng inuman tapos iiyak ka lang ulit sa'min ni M about this asshole. Once and for all, grow up!"

"Galit ba kayo sa 'kin? Nahihirapan ako, Paul. Sinong pipiliin ko, kayo bang mga friends ko o sya?" (Aww, I hoped that I heard him wrong, that instead of what he just said, he'll give me this pleading eyes and ask: "Sinong pipiliin ko, ikaw o siya?")

"Hey! We're not asking you to choose between us or your BF (that son of a bitch!). What I'm saying here is, at the end of the day, it'd still be your decision that matters, ayaw naming diktahan ka, dahil ayaw naming sisihin mo kami sa bandang huli."

Crying, I hugged him tight and gave him the wisest advice a friend could offer. Tapping his broad shoulders, I said, "Don't worry, We're always here to listen... I AM always HERE TO LISTEN " (kahit nasasaktan ako, handa pa rin akong maging "bestfriend" mo...)

1 kaha ng Lights, 2 bote ng San Mig Light, 1 long neck, 5 oras ng iyakan... nakaidlip siya. Di ko mahanap ang antok, nakuntento na kong pinagmamasdan ang mukha nya habang natutulog.
(5:00 AM)

"Uwi na tayo."

Nakasakay na siya ng traysikel pauwi.
Ako, naiwang nag-iisip... lumilipad ang utak habang naglalakad pauwi ng bahay.. then it hit me. I still love him...I still love my bestfriend. But I can do nothing, cause all the while, he thought that what I felt for him is already gone...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Before and After

My life will begin once again in August.


A new me. I promise.

Wallet

Wahhh. Di na naman ako pumasok sa school ngaun.

120 pesos na lang ang laman ng wallet ko. Sakto lang pamasahe ko papuntang work later. So it's quite obvious, work pa rin ang priority ko. Haha. Well, you can't blame me. My job sends me to school. So no job no school. But don't get me wrong, I still love being a student again.

Di bale, pangalawang absent ko pa lang naman sa subject na yun, I think ok pa class standing ko and besides I have a good feeling I aced the prelim last week, so I'm pretty confident my absence won't hurt that much.

Having said that, I think that my life (financial) needs a major overhaul, now that I decided to come back to school and work at the same time. Especially that I'm paying for my own tuition.

I need to learn how to spend every centavo that I earn prudently. I have a bad feeling, I'm going to be living paycheck to paycheck from now on. Unless matapos ang semester dun lang siguro ako makakapag-ipon. Then go on a shopping spree, eat out, watch movies, go clubbing. Argh, the things I had to sacrifice...

Bakit ba kasi ang tagal mag-Friday! (read: PAYDAY) pero ang bilis mag-August (read again: Birthday ko).

Sh*t, ilang araw na lang pala August na.

Confused.


Maniniwala ka bang hanggang ngayon di ko alam kung ano'ng gusto ko sa buhay. Normal ba yun? Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba talaga ang pakiramdam ng ma-inlove eh. Atras-abante ako. Kaya di ko mapigilang minsan e malusaw sa inggit kakatingin sa mga taong (specifically sa mga kapwa ko bading) alam kung sino at ano ang gusto nila. Lalo na pagdating sa usapang puso. Samantalang ako, laging nangangapa sa dilim.

L.O.V.E

Hinihintay ba yun?

O hinahanap?

Pag di mo ba pinansin to, mawawala ng kusa?

Ano ba talagang difference ng love vs infatuation? Cause, most of the time, I happen to mix their definitions. Pag attracted ba ko sa isang guy, dun na ba mag-uumpisa ang love?

I'm attracted to someone and it's been bothering me. Big time. Actually ayokong amining attracted ako sa kanya kasi 'lam ko naman walang patutunguhan yung nararamdaman ko. May boyfriend na sya. But deep inside me, I can feel (oo, feelingera ako) na gusto nya rin ako. Yung mga pasimpleng pagpapacute nya sa kin. Tapik sa (insert any body parts here) dito, tapik doon. Having lunch together. Yosi ng sabay. CR ng sabay (para tumingin sa salamin ha?).

Or am I reading him wrong? Assuming lang talaga ako. Sigh. Takot na ko sa totoo lang, kasi nangyari na sakin to dati. Na attract ako sa bestfriend ko na may boyfriend, hindi ko alam kung san ko hinugot ung lakas ng loob ko nun, pero sinabi ko sa kanya ung feelings ko. At hindi naging maganda ang resulta.

You see it's the reason, why I prefer to be alone. I tend to keep distance from people, especially cute guys. Kasi pag dumarating na sa puntong attracted na ko, bigla akong nabobobo. Bigla biglang nawawala ako sa katinuan. Not that I don't want to entertain this feeling, pero honestly I miss being like this. Nag-eenjoy ako pag nakikita ko sya. Natutuwa ako pag inaasar ko sya. Pero a part of me says, hanggang dun na lang un. Hanggang tingin at pang-aasar lang ang magagawa ko.

I want to know what love is, birit nga ni Mariah.

Dahil kung love nga 'to, malamang susugal ako. Manalo, matalo.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Put a Rubber on It

***Warning: The following video contains explicit scenes so if you're a fuddy-duddy then please excuse me, and get the f*ck outta here. LOL. Seriously though, if it offends you, then please just shoo away. But promise me to come back when I post something subdued. ;]


You guys all know 'bout Safe Sex 101.

But please allow Brent to show you the right way to put a rubber on.



hehe, soooo cute noh?

Too much for my first post eh? Forgive me, I'm sooo tired, I thought this could be a quick relief.

I know you want more. Go to dcfukit.org for the uncensored version.